Episode 10: Discovering (and Re-discovering) Your Purpose at Any Age

Anna Hall: We’re taught from a young age to value independence. But what if our true strength is our ability to connect with others? Through conversations with the fascinating folk who live and work at Front Porch Communities and Services, we explore how community shapes us, how we can learn from people in every stage of life, and how each of us makes an impact in our own communities and beyond.

Welcome to The Front Porch Podcast. I’m your host, Anna Hall. Throughout my life, I heard the term from so many people that “I found my purpose.” Or “I’ve lost my purpose.” Or “one day I will realize my purpose.” I was always fascinated by this. Because when you look at the research, people who are deeply connected with their sense of purpose can live up to seven years longer, reduce their risk of cardiac issues by 30 or 40%, reduce the risk of developing dementia by 20%, are less likely to have a stroke, less likely to be depressed. They are more hopeful, they have more grit, and they tend to be more engaged in life.

And so I wondered, this thing that is so powerful…how is it that we can lose it or find it? And through my research and my own journey of becoming a certified life coach, and then using the Purpose Equation® to help people discover and activate their purpose, I realized something that changed my life and my perspective. And that is, I strongly believe, that we are born with our purpose. It is part of what makes each of us unique. Each of us is one of one. And so with that perspective that it is innate. It is part of us. We can’t lose our purpose. When we find our purpose, we’re actually connecting with something that is already inside of us.

And I think it is incredible that as humans we are built with this magical light inside of us, this motivation that helps us put one foot in front of the other through the hard times. This is why I’m so excited to talk with our guest today, Patty Trevor. She is also having quite a journey with purpose and I can’t wait to hear her perspective and explore ideas with her.

After majoring in psychology, Patty Trevor gained advanced training in counseling, aging and family systems theory. She used her skills for the U.S. State Department, assisting Foreign Service members and their families during embassy assignments in locations ranging from Kuwait and Venezuela to Cote d’Ivoire and East Germany.

After returning to the states, she continued her counseling work and served as area director with Lutheran Social Services for Los Angeles County. She moved to Walnut Village with her husband in 2016. He passed away in 2020, but Patty has continued to be a community builder, leading workshops and purpose and end of life planning for her fellow residents. Patty, welcome to The Front Porch Podcast.

Patty Trevor: Thank you. It’s my pleasure to be here.

Anna Hall: I have a feeling that we are kindred spirits. So this is going to be a very fun conversation. So let’s start with one of the fascinating things about you. And that is your career. What did you like about psychology? What, like, pulled you in?

Patty Trevor: Well there’s several things. What can be more fascinating and interesting than human behavior? My belief is that God created all humans to have relationship. He gave each of us gifts, different gifts, so that we can cover all the needs. No one person can, but we could each share with what our gifts are. And I felt that this was a way that I could do that.

Anna Hall: How do you describe your purpose?

Patty Trevor: I describe purpose as being, an act or a way of being and interacting with other people that ends up with a positive result for them. And by making it a positive result for them, it can’t help but make a positive result for me.

Anna Hall: So, Patty, you spent a lot of time working in  high stress environments in the foreign service. How did your sense of purpose guide your work when you were in Kuwait?

Patty Trevor: My position was the Community Liaison Officer. The first day I went into the office, of the ambassador, I asked him. I’d like you to tell me what you want from me. And he said, “You are responsible for the mental health and the well-being of all of the American families here.”

And I said, “Okay, but there’s something you have to understand. I cannot accomplish that until they trust me.” And he said, “okay, go do it.” And there had been bombings there at the embassy. Building had been blown up. There was so much terror people had.

Anna Hall: What year was this when you were there?

Patty Trevor: It was the very end of ‘85. And in ‘83, in December of ’83, a bombing had gone off at the embassy, and blown up one of the buildings and damaged another building.

In that four months after I arrived there, there was another bombing. And also at that time in Iraq and Iran, the war was going on, which border Kuwait.

Anna Hall: What was that like to live in a war zone and be told that you are responsible for people’s mental well-being? I can’t imagine.

Patty Trevor: You know, I’m writing a book right now. My grandchildren want me to write a book, and I’ve been writing about my experiences in Kuwait, just recently. And I think at the time I was there, I was so focused on helping these people find a way to live in this constant danger. I didn’t think about myself. Basically. I was there to help them. And so I focused on what I could do to help them feel like they could cope.

Anna Hall: It’s incredible. Your purpose was in action.

Patty Trevor: Yes.

Anna Hall: How did you build trust?

Patty Trevor: They knew my door was always open. They could come in. They could talk to me about anything. I would invite groups to come over to my apartment, you know, at different times and we would do things. I planned because there were, there were children there. For the teenagers, particularly living in Kuwait, they couldn’t have a normal teenager’s life that they would have in the United States. So I planned that, they could come to the embassy and we would have a party.

I also started slowly, taking people when I felt they were ready, to go out into the community. And I’d take them to places where they made rugs, and they could observe that. I’d take them to the souk, which is kind of like a marketplace. And only men were allowed to sell inside the building. Women couldn’t. They had to go outside. And in Kuwait there’s nothing but sand. I don’t think I saw a blade of grass the whole time I was there.

Although one time my husband and I saw someone had painted their sand green.

Anna Hall: Oh that’s incredible.

Patty Trevor: I would make it a point to take the ladies out to see the women who were selling women’s items outside, with just a canopy over their head. And one time I was out there and one of the Kuwaiti women said to me, she said, “You know, we Kuwaiti women feel so sorry for you American women.” And I was shocked. In my mind I just assumed that they envied the life I had and all the freedoms that I have.

And I, I started to laugh and… but it hit me that I just assumed, made a false assumption, that they wanted their life to be just like mine. And I said, “Would you mind telling me why you feel sorry for us?”

She said, “In Kuwait, a man can have four wives as long as he treats them all the same. In your country, a man can only have one wife.” she said, “Because there’s four of us we divide up all of the duties, things that need to be done, and we have all kinds of free time. You have to do everything for your husbands.” And I just laughed.

But it taught me something, that different does not mean right or wrong. And what is best for me doesn’t mean it’s best for everyone else.

Anna Hall: How has that perspective of being able to look outside of yourself and be curious about other people’s experiences impacted your life since then?

Patty Trevor: I think it helps me be more aware and more observant and look for people and what their gifts are and what their needs are, and to let them know that they are seen and accepted. I don’t have to agree. There’s a difference between agreeing with everything that they do and say. But we all yearn to be heard and seen.

And you know that that really came to light to me one day. After my husband and I moved from Virginia to Walnut Village here in California, we were looking around for a church that we wanted to join. And one Sunday we were visiting this church. And after church, people invited us to go into their social room. We talked and chatted and had coffee and cookies. But I noticed that off in another side, there was a table where there was only one woman sitting. I don’t know that she was homeless, but it was obvious that that she was… a woman of low financial means. So I got up to throw away my paper coffee cup and napkins. So on my way, I stopped by I greeted her and she said, “Thank you for seeing me.” And I can’t tell you what that did to me. And I said, “Of course I see you.” I said, “Look at that beautiful smile on your face.” And I gave her a hug and she said, “Would you pray for me?” And I said, “Of course I’ll pray for you. What is your name?” And she told me her name. And that’s been almost ten years ago, and I can’t remember her name anymore. But I still sometimes pray for her.

Anna Hall: You still carry her with you. It’s beautiful.

Patty Trevor: Yes. I promised myself that day that I would never walk by a homeless person and turn my head, that I would always look directly at them and I speak to them sometimes. And sometimes I’ll look at someone and they’re shocked because I’m looking at them.

Anna Hall: They haven’t been seen.

Patty Trevor: I think that too often having purpose, people mistakenly think that means some large project. Some big project. I… that’s not how I look at it. Having purpose can be a very simple thing. Helping someone feel like they’ve been seen or they’ve been understood, or that you care. That it.. that you matter.

Anna Hall: It goes a long way. and it and it also feeling seen and heard can lead to a sense of belonging. At Front Porch, part of my job as a Chief Culture and Community Officer is to be totally, radically curious about how we can continue to build environments and communities where people feel seen and heard and valued.

I wonder how you transformed that woman’s life at that moment. I bet you made a difference in her life that you might never know.

Patty Trevor: That’s right. You often don’t know. I know living here at Walnut Village, I greet people, I talk to people, and sometimes I can… I just sense that they’re, having some type of an issue. And I might go up and give them a hug, or I might say something to them.

And I remember one time, one of the ladies came up to me, it must have been six months later. And she says, you know, that day, when you stopped and you gave me a hug. I had to stop and try to even remember it. You know, it wasn’t something that I, you know, was thinking about. But it mattered to her.

Anna Hall:  A friend of mine brought to me this concept of leaving a residue, you know, and, and every interaction creates some kind of a leave-behind, a residue, an energetic residue. And the interaction can either leave a positive residue or kind of a neutral or a negative. And it’s a very powerful thing to be aware of how the little things and interactions can impact people so much and make such a difference.

Patty Trevor: When we came back to the States, I did a year of study at the University of Florida in aging. And that year has been very beneficial to me since I moved here to Walnut Village, because I can see some of the needs, maybe before other people are aware of them. One of the things that I notice is that as people age, not all, but certainly some, particularly men, after they’ve retired, feel that they don’t have purpose. And so that’s why my goal is to help everybody. That even if you are bed bound, that doesn’t mean you can’t have some purpose with the interactions you have with those around you.

Anna Hall: How do you help or support or guide residents at Walnut Village to explore their purpose?

Patty Trevor: First of all, I try to help them understand the myriad opportunities there are here for developing purpose. I also, in the program that I developed, found that it was important to connect your purposes with your core values.

Anna Hall: Agree.

Patty Trevor: I had them look at how purpose has changed throughout your life. Because I wanted them to understand that just because you don’t have the same purpose you did 30 years ago, doesn’t mean that you can’t have purpose. That and I had them list what their purposes were fromn18 to 35 and 35 to 50 and then 50 to 65 and then now. And then I had them look at what their purposes were now and see how they matched with their core values. And on the last day, one of the things I gave them was a list that I sat down and made one day. It’s about 3 or 4 pages long of opportunities for involvement at Walnut Village.

Anna Hall: How did people respond to seeing that purpose exists throughout a lifetime and it changes? Was that surprising?

Patty Trevor, Yeah, Some told me after that it was really helpful. To look at that and think about… Oh, yeah, I can have purpose. That this is just a different stage of my life. And some things are different, and some things are more difficult as you age. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t have… still have purpose.

Anna Hal: You also teach a class at Walnut Village to help residents prepare for end of life. How did that come about?

Patty Trevor: Yes. Well, it was obvious that there was a need for it. I mean, there’s a need for everyone to do that, but, to prepare for end of your life.

Anna Hall: A lot of people avoid it. It can be scary. It can bring up questions

we don’t really want to think about.

Patty Trevor: And I’ve been through it twice. So.

Anna Hall: You’ve lost, as I understand, both of your husbands. I’m so sorry for your loss. What are your thoughts about grief and navigating loss?

Patty Trevor: It’s a process. It takes time and it takes work to go through this process.

This last time was extremely difficult for me because it was during Covid and my husband had dementia. But it got to a point that I could not care for him alone I would go visit him every day. But someone there got Covid, and then he got it, and then I got it from him.

Anna Hall: Oh my goodness.

Patty Trevor: And then I couldn’t go back to see him. What terrified me was he’s gonna think I abandoned him. But anyway, I got Covid and mine was worse than his and I had to be isolated for 12 days. The next morning, I got a call that he was on his way to the hospital.

Anna Hall: Oh my goodness.

Patty Trevor: I had thought to ask the nurses if it would be okay if my son, who’s a Lutheran pastor, if he could come and give last rites to him, and she said, “Yes.” And then I… I don’t even know where it came from. I said, “Could I see it on zoom?” And she said, “Yes, we’ll set zoom up for you.” So, they had said he’d probably live 4 or 5 days. He couldn’t speak anymore. On Friday morning my son called and he said, “I’m about 30 minutes away from Saint Joseph’s.” And so I said, make sure they have the zoom on before you start. And at one point, as he ended, he went over and he was rubbing Mac’s forehead and I just screamed into the computer and I said, “Mac, I can’t be with you because I have Covid and you have Covid, but I want you to know that my love is all around you on that bed and wherever you touch you’re touching my love. And the Zoom ended. And then about two hours later, he died.

Anna Hall: Wow.

Patty Trevor: And then I had to sit there for 12 days and my family couldn’t even come see me.

Anna Hall: How did you get through that?

Patty Trevor: God gave me the strength.

Anna Hall: When you needed it.

Patty Trevor: When I needed it. I was just so grateful that I had that opportunity to at least say something to him.

Anna Hall: What did you take from that, that you want to share with others through the end of life course that you brought to Walnut Village?

Patty Trevor: Well, actually right now I’m using it for another group that I started – a support group for residents who are caregivers to their spouses. There is such a need when you’re a caregiver to be able to know that you’re not alone because you feel so isolated.

Anna Hall: Going back to feeling seen.

Patty Trevor: Yes. Yes. Yes.  Right now, we’re working on new ways of communicating and what the needs are of the person you’re caring for. They can’t tell you what their needs are, but they need to be validated. They need to be resonated with.

Anna Hall: Yes.

Patty Trevor: They can’t always express what they’re feeling. And so it’s very difficult. Some of these people have been married to this person for over 60 years, and they’ve always commuted in basically the same way, and now they can’t communicate in that way. That is so important. But they get so much out of just sharing with each other.

Anna Hall: Knowing that they’re not alone.

Patty Trevor: Knowing that they’re not alone.

And some of the most bizarre circumstances, we just laugh and laugh, you know, but that’s important. One of the weeks during the month I have a lady from, Orange County, Alzheimer’s who comes, and they enjoy having her there.

One of the things after I did after Mac died… I wanted to do something to commemorate him. And so I put together a resource area for caregivers. And on the wall, I have brochures that deal with forms of dementia, resources in the area, the local area, and so forth. And I have books that deal with, Parkinson’s, with heart disease, with strokes, with dementia. And then I even put together some very simple kind of things that people who have cognitive issues can work. But… and I emphasize that they work together and that if their spouse has Parkinson’s and maybe they can’tput the piece together, but they can, you can say to them, you know, what we need now is something that has a little dog in it, and they can find that piece.

Anna Hall: There are ways to communicate And you’re creating that type of synergy between the spouses, whose relationship is changing very much now.

Patty Trevor: So, if you ever come down to Walnut Village, I would love to take you over and show you the resource area that we have.

Anna Hall: You contribute so much to your community. What is it that is that is driving you to continue?

Patty Trevor: I don’t know. All my life I have done things like that. I mean, as a little girl growing up. I wanted to be involved in everything, and, you know, and I was president of the Girl Scouts, and I was on the student council, and I was, I was in every play they had.  And I sang in the chorale, and I… I love to learn new things. I love to write. I love to cook. Oh, I love making cards. Since I moved to Walnut Village, I haven’t bought a single card. I make every one.

Anna Hall: What would you to say to someone who is struggling to feel connected with their purpose?

Patty Trevor: Start simple. Find an activity maybe that you’re interested in. We have here a wonderful group of women here who make lap quilts. There are some that actually put the quilt together. And then there are others that don’t know how to do that, but they stitch the little thing that tie the knots that go in the middle. So everyone can contribute. And while they’re there in our community room, all the conversation that goes on and they belong and it’s a start and they’re doing something and I am so proud of them. Last year they donated 240 lap quilts out into the community.

Anna Hall: Making a difference.

Patty Trevor:  If you can’t get out of your apartment you can volunteer to stuff envelopes for things. There’s always some way. You could call other people that you know are having a hard time and you can contact and say, “Oh, how are you doing today?” Or “I saw such and such a thing on television and made me think of you.”

Anna Hall: This goes back to what you said at the beginning of our conversation. Purpose doesn’t have to be this big thing that some day you achieve. It’s right there in the small steps and the small ways of living that makes such a difference.

Patty Trevor: A lot of my conversations I have with God, okay, usually is, “you know, God, when I can’t do things to help other people, I hope you take me right then, because I don’t want to be here and not have to be able to do that.”

Anna Hall: Does God answer you back?

Patty Trevor: He does talk to me sometimes. It’s the question is, do I always listen? No.

You know, I wrote something recently “If we live in the pains of the past which we cannot change, or the fears of the future, which may never happen, we give up the opportunity to live life now.” I try to live my life now. And I have been given so many blessings. And my goal is to give as many of those blessings to other people as I can.

Anna Hall: Patty, you’re incredible. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Thank you for being a community builder at Walnut Village and beyond. Thank you for helping to connect people with their purpose, their reason for rising. Thank you so much for being on our podcast and for sharing. Thank you.

You’ve been listening to The Front Porch podcast. I’m your host, Anna Hall. Our theme music was composed by Geoven Snaer and Dianne Kae Enriquez. Carmen Elena Mitchell is our producer and editor. Our recording engineer is Jeff Gall. Special thanks to Laura Darling, Kate Vermillion and Joanna Aceves for production and marketing support. Walnut Village tech support provided by Sandy Liebman.

Front Porch is a dynamic nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering individuals to live connected and fulfilled lives through community and innovation. In support of this vision, Front Porch provides high quality, accessible and welcoming human services through senior living communities, affordable housing communities, and other programs and services. Learn more at Front Porch.net.

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